She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
