My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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