I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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