The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
