Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
