Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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