This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
