What did we do last night that was yellow?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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