i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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