I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
