you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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