i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
well you can't waste a boner
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
