dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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