The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
