I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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