In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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