Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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