It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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