I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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