I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
