her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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