I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
