I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
