Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize