Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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