the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
