Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Boobs speak an international language.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
