I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
