this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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