if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
