Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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