Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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