you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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