and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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