I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
