that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
