Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
