Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
