I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
