My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize