I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
