This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
