after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
