let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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