either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
