My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
