Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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