i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
