i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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