I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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