I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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