you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
