My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
