I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
