I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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