Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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