If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
