oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
