i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
