My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
