i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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