i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
