I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
