Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
