u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
