I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
