Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
