My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
sarcasm needs its own font
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
