There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
