Whod you bang
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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