So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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