Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
